Valerian Is Depressing

Quote from Valerian chapter 15

When I was writing my PMC Spoilery Things posts, I at one point said that I would add trigger warnings if I were to ever redo the books. This process has determined: that is a lie.

Are there parts of this book, and the others, that could be a little triggering? Yes. Absolutely. That said, I've decided not to go forward with warnings. While I understand that the warnings allow others to determine whether or not a book might be right or wrong for them to read–and I respect that–I've also found that they can be used as a means of censoring what content reaches other people. Sometimes, that exact content might be what helps someone else, but they'll never know.

I'm not trying to make the claim that this book is some great, cathartic read. Valerian is depressing as fuck. But that is what makes it a cathartic read, weirdly enough. And I can say that since I'm currently in the midst of a depressive episode. Wheee!

Out of all the books, Ivy and Valerian are the two I've reread the least. In the case of Ivy, it was more or less because I knew the story so well. Revisiting it wasn't that necessary. When I reread Oleander, it's always because it started as a 'I just want to reread this one scene' and turns into 'oh, there go 100 more pages. whoops. might as well finish it now'. The exact same for Hawthorn. And I always read Avens because I've just finished Hawthorn. There's no escaping it, as they're the only two books in the whole series that take place back-to-back.

The reason I've avoided Valerian so much is because I'm either in a really good place and can't take the dive into the dark, or I'm in such a dark place that it just ... hurts. This time was unavoidable, obviously. It was also as painful as I was expecting. Weirdly enough, however, it feels like it was exactly what I needed.

I'd forgotten how much of my own depression I'd actually put on page. How much of Gage's reasoning is my own. How much of Lex's resistance to getting help is because I've accepted that I'm beyond it. And, my goodness, the realness of Lex constantly admitting (which is so. fucking. hard!) that no one can help her until she chooses to help herself, and that she's comfortable in the pain and doesn't want to move past it just yet.

All of these things are just some of the tangled, awful knots that permeate my brain on a daily basis. It's awful, and hard, and fucking rude, to put it mildly. But I actually wrote it out. I put that into words, put it in a story, and released that story to the world. I'm kinda proud of myself. Not only had I forgotten that I'd done that, but it's interesting that I revealed it like that.

I mean, I know I talk freely about my depression on here. That's because I'm one of those people that needs to say something or I might do something. In my world, putting it in a book is the equivalent to shouting it into the night sky. Maybe the stars are my only witness, but at least there are witnesses. Someone/thing to hold me accountable, at the end of the day.

At the end of the day, the quote in the image pretty much sums up the flavor of mental unhealth I have. When Lex asks Gage why he did what he did, the answer is simple and sad.

"I didn't have a reason not to."

Thankfully, I have reasons not to. These stories in my head are part of them.

Guess I should get back to writing then.

Quote from chapter 25 of Valerian

P.S.

I finished it. Now it's in Chrissy's hands.