PMC Spoilery Things Pt 5

I'm not even going to pretend that most of this post won't be about Nathan and Lex reuniting. I thought I could have more coherent thoughts by now, but nah. BUT NAH.

First off, this one will contain all the spoilers. I'm going to talk about a lot of specific scenes because they give me all the feels, and I'm here to blabber all about them. Now you may continue.

To start, I want to preface this with a thank you to my friend Connie that convinced me to cut out Nathan having a girlfriend initially when Lex comes home. Her existence really was just to illicit drama that didn't need to be there. (Lex brought home enough of that on her own, let's be real.) In fact, removing her and tweaking a few other things might be the only major edits this book had to undergo. In itself, Avens poured out of me almost perfect. Which, when I reread it, I know now that it is exactly how it always should have been.

Let's start at the beginning: Lex comes home. She reconnects with the circle. She grieves for her time away. And she begins to settle into having her own life, no longer dependent on others making decisions for her. Hahahahahahahaha!

Out of all the things I love in this book, there's still nothing that compares to the moment Lex and Nathan reunite in the café. Other than Mark replacing the gf in the scene, it is 100% true to the original draft. The snarky comments about her overalls, that brief moment of examination; then the running hug. If there was ever a scene I'd like to see on screen, that's it.

It's also the one scene, upon rereading, that I can't help but wonder why tf they didn't just kiss! Knowing how they feel about each other and everything, all I can picture is that moment when Nathan sets her back on her feet, and instead of focusing on her arm, he just kisses her. I mean, granted, it probably would've freaked Lex out and all that nonsense, but I could feel it; all that angst and suppressed feelings and just ... argh!

Not that this is the only time I felt that way. Reunion, prom, graduation (which was a scene that got cut because it added nothing to the story but more cuteness and banter), the night with her parents, and especially the train ride home. (They snuggled in bed together, but couldn't do me the curtesy of confessing their feelings then and there???)

Before I get too far down the Nathan/Lex rabbit hole (because, hoooo boy, is it coming!) I do want to interject that I love how certain things turned out with minor characters. For one, it's been four years since Lex has been gone. That's a long time for everyone to grow up. Which is apparent first when Mark welcomes Lex home. There's no more snide commentary or anything (at first), and he seems to have settled into the fact that she's in Nathan's life forever and he has to respect that. Perfect.

A larger surprise was Rebecca (known as Becky in Ivy) being as cool as she is. This is what I mean about everyone growing up. Rebecca, at some point, must have joined us introspective girlies on the web and learned about protecting our peace, prioritizing those that care about us, and shedding dead "friendships" wherein they were being used to boost someone else's ego. Rebecca is certainly putting in the work, and I loved Lex's remark about how she was clearly trying to be better than the person she was yesterday, while Lex was just okay with being better than how she was at her darkest point. What was more fun was her revelation as a young witch and Lex's reaction to it. My favorite scene with her, though, is when she decries Nathan and Lex as useless and pronounces herself their Maid of Honor. I still smirky-smirk just thinking about that scene.

Another thing I really appreciated is, as always, the relationship between Lex and her parents. They've been through so, so much. The closeness of Ivy. The uncertainty of Oleander. The outright hostility of Valerian. Then that strange almost-strained state in Hawthorn. In most of them, I don't think we got to see a lot of her parents' personalities. Yet, in Avens, it's fun to have that interaction between adult child and empty-nester parents. Like, you can tell her Dad isn't happy about any of it, but he's dealing with it by not dealing with it. Her mom, on the other hand, is very much, 'okay, this is where we're at; let's figure out what's next'.

I love Mel. I liked her well enough in the first two books, and I felt for her so much in Valerian, but I really began to adore her in Hawthorn. While John is so ready to face down everything (gee, Lex, wonder where you got that trait from, hmmmmmm), Mel is ready to sit back and see how things unfold before she weighs in. She's also much more observant as each book goes on, that we can see. Anyway, in Avens, I like how she's not just Lex's mom but also a confidant. After all, she's the first person Lex tells that she feels a disconnect with her baby throughout her pregnancy. She's also the first person to not let Lex live in this weird dream-state she's determined to ride everything out in. Once she discovers that Lex is pregnant, she's all in and everything is fair game. Sometimes ultra-stubborn people need gentle bullying from the people that love them the most.

Speaking of gentle bullying ... where would we be without everyone's favorite ex? Still sticking our heads in the sand, probably. Honestly, even though Matt has a bit of a late arrival in book five, his presence seriously does not disappoint. He's still oh-so-charming and direct af. The conversation at the lake more or less confirms what everyone is thinking: oh, Grey is out of the picture? More Lex/Nathan time! But the most fun is probably when he berates her for being a magick snob, and he's not wrong, exactly. I mean, we know he says it more or less to get a rise out of her, but she brought it on herself with her aversion to the 'meant to be' status of her and Nathan, knowing damn well he's her soulmate. So, yes, our favorite Musketeer had to swoop in with the gentle bullying to get Lex to play well with the witches and provide Nathan with some much-needed backup.

Okay, now back to our regularly-scheduled Nathan fawning.

There are a lot of scenes I love, but one of my favorites will always be when Rebecca asks whose last name the baby was going to have and Nathan says, "Ryder. We're taking Lex's last name." All. The. Feels! I about lose it every single time and I love the absolute shock that rolls through Lex. And, honestly, the fact that Lex never thinks in detail about her future is both agitating and hilarious. Especially in the case of her and Nathan. Once she realizes she's been in love with him, she's absolutely certain they'll get married and raise this child together. But not once does she actually make a plan for any of it. So in that critical moment when Nathan says he'll take her last name, it's even funnier to me because, unconsciously, Lex always knew she was never giving up her own last name. There's too much attachment to it. However, she also never considered that it could even be a conversation. Then for Nathan to circumvent both the conversation and the need for her to make a decision was chef's kiss.

Another scene that I loved but was deleted (and that I cannot now find, which is making me sad), was the one where Lex has a little flashback moment to when Nathan shows her the nursery for the first time. As stated in Avens, Nathan does in fact begin arranging the nursery two days after Lex tells him she's pregnant and they have their fight over it.

(Which, BY THE WAY, I have to love because of all the nuance following that fight in the conversation between Nathan and his mom. Anne has clearly been in the loop about his feelings for Lex for a long, long time, so when she hears the baby news, it's a little heartbreaking for her, too, because ... that should be her son's baby. Lex was supposed to come home, realize she's been in love with Nathan half her damn life, get married, and have his babies. IN THAT ORDER. Which also harkens back to a lot of Lex's disconnect with the baby throughout the pregnancy, because she subconsciously had all of the same expectations. Having another man's child threw a wrench in everyone's plans, and we all know that Lex doesn't cope well.)

Anywho... Nathan got the crib and cradle from his parents' garage the day that Lex flew out to tell her parents. He cleaned the room and arranged the furniture. Nothing too dramatic, but still... Where Lex is ... Lex, Nathan doesn't dwell on things and he likes to make plans and then execute them. His plan was literally to get Lex to fall in love with him, marry her, and have kids. The order may be wonky, but he was doing it anyway. Which is why we love him.

What isn't seen on-screen is the memory Lex has of Nathan showing her the nursery–which he does not do until after she admits she's in love with him–during the very important, "I'm carrying another man's baby; how do you feel about that?" conversation. It was his way of showing her that the baby was his kid, and no one else was going to tell him otherwise. And now I'm really missing that scene because I don't remember any of the cute dialogue that I know existed!

To finally, maybe, ease off my fangirling of Nathan, I do have to address the disconnect between Lex and the baby.

It was so natural to write it that way. The reality of the pregnancy was so shocking and filled with so much 'this wasn't supposed to happen' that writing the bathroom scene was so, so easy. Not just the shock and distress, but also the numbness taking hold. Whether Lex likes it or not, her body developed its own survival mechanisms to high amounts of distress, and I like that that transcends throughout the books following Valerian.

Another reason I'm glad there was an actual disconnect there is because that is something a number of women experience. Which I didn't know or understand at all until I sent the final draft to my sister who was pregnant with my nephew at the time, and got the reaction of a lifetime: "That's how this feels; it feels like he's someone else's." Now, I didn't intentionally set out to write this, apparently, relatable thing. It's just how it came across to me: Lex wasn't connected to this baby.

I think maybe where Mel shines the most is in those moments when Lex is trying to explain, and can't find the words. Her mom doesn't push too hard, but she does guide Lex into thinking about it, which is something our girl desperately needs. As someone who understands what was 'supposed to happen' when Lex came home, I and the reader probably know best exactly what Lex's problem with the baby is, and it's not just 'this is Grey's baby' but rather because 'this isn't Nathan's baby' ... until it is. And even when she realizes she's in love with Nathan and he fully accepts the baby as his ... it doesn't magickally fix her. Instead, it takes some tough-love on the part of her mom and even more prodding from Rebecca to get her to really buckle in and figure shit out.

The turning point really is when Rowan gets her name.

I don't remember in which draft (because there were several!) that Lex decided that Grey could have that honor, but it's one of my more cherished scenes. I love how she tells Nathan that she'd already given their daughter a name: hers. As in: her last name. So her other parents deserved a say. And as the person to help create her, I think it was incredibly noble for her to allow Grey that honor, and be so willing and able to accept whatever he sent back.

Of course, the true victim in all of this is really Grey, and I love how Lex defends him. As one of the very few people who know what happened to him and how he lost his firstborn, she knows exactly how much it's killing him to not be in his daughter's life. And the privilege of being the author means I know something she doesn't: the reason he told her to leave.

It wasn't because he feared for his coven. (In that moment, they barely crossed his mind.) It wasn't because he was afraid of what his sister might do. (Even had she been in her right mind, she wouldn't hurt him like that again now that he's aware of what she'd done the first time.) It wasn't even because of the stuff he had going on with Spring. (Which I'm not telling you about until there's something to tell...)

Grey told Lex to leave for one simple reason: he knew she would never stay.

He looked into her eyes, heard her say those words all over again, and knew without a shadow of a doubt that this baby changed nothing for her. She was still going to leave. She was taking their baby with her. And he was not invited.

Long before Rowan existed, Lex was already determined to abandon him, and that baby changed nothing.

Grey didn't tell her to leave to preserve his coven. He told her to leave so she would feel less guilty for doing it anyway. And it worked.

Oh, we know Lex still feels guilty for it. She analyzes it regularly. But imagine how much worse it could have been if he had begged her to stay and she'd have to tell him no. What if he'd promised to follow her to the ends of the earth to be with that baby, and she'd have to bar him from Cedar Creek? What would that have done to her, their child, and the relationships between all three?

Grey saw the writing on the wall, and he gave her the only out he could.

Also, Lex wasn't entirely wrong when she tells Nathan she would have destroyed his entire coven if Grey had tried to push for custody. While Lex and Grey might have attempted a civil arrangement, there's no telling what his coven wouldn't do to get their hands on a little baby Nyx. In that case, Lex would have dismantled the entire thing and possibly killed Grey in the process. None of which made life better for their child.

Grey did the only decent, honorable, heroic thing he could do in order to give his daughter the best chance at a wonderful life: he gave her up. And that is why, as much as I love Nathan, Grey will always be in the top tier right beside him.

To wrap this up, I guess we should talk about the final stars of this series: Rowan, Holly, Willow, and Reed Ryder.

When I first wrote Avens and was figuring out a way to wrap it up, ending it with the beginning was one of my more poetic decisions, and I'm all the more in love with it for that fact. The funny thing is, though, that I was playing with the idea of Lex's daughters (because in the original, she only had the three daughters) being the ones to tell their mom's story. And not even really all three; it was more of Holly and Willow doing this with a little bit of input from Rowan. Which is how I came up with the pen name Hollow Ryan. HOL came from Holly. LOW came from Willow. RY came from Ryder. AN was from Rowan. And for the longest time, I intended for the name to remain as a story note. Some little tidbit to share in a blog post one day. But the name stuck with me, so here we are. I've now taken it as my own and I grow more attached to it by the day.

Reed truly was a surprise. Until I wrote the epilogue, I didn't know he existed. Then a baby cried and I knew exactly who he was and how he came to be. In the end, he rounded out the story and their little family quite perfectly.

And that's it. That's the end of Lex's story. It's not super dramatic. There aren't many epic, magick battles. The religious element isn't there. It's just a story of a young witch growing into a powerful woman, and all of the people that supported her along the way. And I'm grateful to everyone who joined us along the way.

Thank you.