top of page

I Live With Assholes

To preface this: Rodent lives do not matter to me. Not in the slightest. Not even a little bit. So the cruelty portrayed by every being in this episode ... is how we all are and none of us care. Circle of Life. Hakuna Matata. (Also, I just found the GIFs button, so enjoy.) Now on with the story...

Upon returning home from the day job, my routine is to let Echo (aka dog aka Asshole 1 aka A1) outside. This is so he can perform his natural bodily functions. Which this idiot manages to forget about when he finds a scent he likes. Normally, this is not an issue as the scent is old, on the edge of the property, and he heeds my call when I force him to give it up.



Today, he dug up a damn mouse (a fat field mouse, I might add) in the middle of my yard. At first, I was curious about why his face was buried in the snow. (He's dug up moles and shrews before, so I thought I'd check it out.) By his reaction, I knew it was a Living Thing, though I did not know the nature/condition of said thing. By the time I reached his side, however, I knew it was an Injured Thing by the trace amount of blood on the snow.

Me (thinking): Here we go.


Asshole 1 then gleefully picks the mouse up out of the snow to show to me. All happy is he. Great.

Me: Well, kill it then. You already hurt it, you might as well kill it.

A1 then proceeds to pick it up and drop it ... several times.

Me: That's it. If you're not going to kill it, I'll get Demon. Let's go.

A1 then proceeds to act as if he has dropped the mouse and is returning to the house with me. Halfway there, I realize that he's still carrying the damn thing and order him to drop it. When he does, I let him pin it for a bit as I enter the house to retrieve Demon (aka cat aka Asshole 2 aka A2).

I grab A2 and head back outside. A1 has lost sight of his prey as it has burrowed in the snow. A2 is MIFFED at being dragged outside and unceremoniously dropped in the snow.


After A2 darts back to the house, we follow. A1 is allowed entrance. However, I snatch up A2 and take him back to where the prey was last spotted. No luck. A2 abandons me again to head back to the door. Fine. We go back inside.

Roughly 2 minutes pass and I know that a. the mouse is injured, b. it is buried, c. A1 still hasn't pooped.

Can you guess what happens next?

I took A1 back outside, where his hunting dog nose leads him right back to the hiding spot of the elusive prey. I leave him to it and go to retrieve A2 yet again. By the time I return, the prey has been unearthed, and A2 still does not give a single flying monkey. A1, however, is overjoyed and running on Speed.

I order A1 to back up and literally shove A2's face onto the prone body of the rodent. No luck, A2 just wants back in the nice warm house. A1, however, wants to chase ... anything. Assholes:


A1: *slinks back to me*

A1 is then sent inside while I retrieve A2.

Me: You're fine. I'm going to take you back inside. We're just going to take the long route right past the mouse...

A2: *Unimpressed. Ditches me to run back to door.*

Me: *Picks up the half-dead mouse and takes it to the door. While shoving it in A2's face* Can you please just kill it? Just kill it. You can eat it or don't. I don't care. Just kill it. A2 then proceeds to sniff at rodent. Pick up rodent. Toss it. Prod it. Step on it. Then PICKS IT UP AND PUTS IT IN THE PLANTER BESIDE THE DOOR. Only then does he become truly interested and starts circling and batting at the planter, standing up on his hind legs to see inside and bat at the mouse.

Me: That's it. You guys are assholes. *Lets A2 into the house, scoops up mouse and takes him to an area of the yard A1 knows he's not allowed in, and throws him up a hill.*

As I write this, A2 is sleeping on the heating vent and A1 is going from one side of my chair to the other, whining about how "he has to poop". Mhmmmmmm.

My house is full of assholes, which I guess makes me A3.


Featured Posts
Recent Posts
Search By Tags
Follow Us
  • Facebook Basic Square
  • Twitter Basic Square
  • Google+ Basic Square
bottom of page